“Although I’m uncertain… I’m not scared anymore.
Uncertainty is part of life; This is the way of things.”
I walk through campus to get my mail, just like I did as a junior, and a sophomore, and a freshman, and it hits me— Suddenly, you’re graduating in less than a month, and you’re still as uncertain as you’d been when you first stepped on campus four years ago. I think we assume that time will naturally offer certainty, but it doesn’t always. It uncovers answers, sometimes, but the search never really stops, and the certainty never comes. You just start taking steps and follow your legs to see where they bring you, and when you look up, you realize you’ve ended up at a certain place. For me, after this realization, it was the tippy top of the track bleachers, where I could look down on a teammate running his workout, turn and see the whole campus where I'd spent the last few formative years, turn a bit more and see my favorite city’s downtown skyline through the trees, all while the sun began to set. I saw two girls in the parking lot below, one in roller skates and one clumsily pushing off from a skateboard. They reminded me of Amanda and me back in the day before the pandemic and other matters. How far we’ve come: a month until I graduate. I never really expected this day. There were times when I thought this would last forever— with dread. But the good times, I appreciated for how fragile and fleeting I knew they could be. The sun has just set. Soon, the day will darken, the world around me illuminated instead by stadium lights. Like even the sun, what I provide can be replaced— by those I recruit to come to this school, those who will continue to run on this track even when I'm gone, By the girls learning to skate in the parking lot. It doesn't make me sad. This is the way of things. All hot days must come to an end and be replaced by the cool relief of night. Dark and unknown— scary, yes— But different. And creating opportunity to bring light from other sources or clearing space for the next day's sun to come. Making us patient and eager for new days-- New circles to start running; New skylines to appreciate; New daylight to chase. Although I’m uncertain about what those new days bring, I’m not scared anymore. Uncertainty is part of life; This is the way of things. As it gets darker, the Downtown Los Angeles skyline fades in the distance And the single athlete on the track Begins another lap.
Lil collage of moments little and noteworthy from my past few / last few months of undergrad:
The More the Marianer 