A Valentines Greeting
(the kind you wouldn’t expect)
Happy Valentines Day to you who are single.
Happy Valentines Day to you who just experienced a breakup.
Happy Valentines Day to you who are mourning the loss of the person you love.
Happy Valentines Day to you who asked your parent, platonic best friend, relative, or pet to be your Valentine this year. Happy Valentines Day to you who asked no one to be your valentine at all.
Happy Valentines Day to you who get to celebrate in person, or to you who have to celebrate over a FaceTime call; who have to celebrate in hospital rooms; who have to wait until next month or next summer or next year to celebrate in person.
Happy Valentines Day to you single parents, recent divorcees, and middle aged or elderly who never married at all.
May you know that there is love all around you, whether romantic or not, and whether your celebration today looks the way you’d hoped it would or not. Your current relationship status says nothing of your worthiness of companionship and love. And Love appears in so many different ways. This holiday belongs to You as much as to anyone else, and I hope you recognize the love you get to give and receive in all the other places where the opportunity arises. May you cast off cynicism, pessimism, and sadness today, and take up joy, and gratitude, and love, which is already Here, wherever and whoever you are.
I’ve definitely put this quote on my blog before, but it’s been such a mantraic affirmation for me for the past 18 months that I had to put it up again. It feels fitting and appropriate to pair with my Valentines Greeting:
It’s been a great comfort to me, and I share it once again because I hope it would be a great comfort to you, dear reader, whatever phase you’re in right now.
Today on the phone with my best friend, I found myself confessing that days of celebration are often unproductive and ironically sad for me. Christmas reminds me of loss, my birthday reminds me of wasted time, and Valentines day reminds me of loneliness. She said, “I think a lot of people feel that way, honestly.” We just sweep it under the rug, don’t we?
Being single during the isolation era of the pandemic felt fine to me, because I felt ethical and socially responsible for avoiding the dating scene in that time. But as life has become more and more “in person” and more of my friends have become the halves of couples, I’ve definitely been hit with waves of loneliness more frequently. At the same time, I am in a season of feeling more secure in my friendships than I have in a long, long time. And thankfully this Valentines day emphasized the latter fact more than my singleness (which is actually not a bad thing). This year, I found myself enjoying a surprisingly pleasant Valentines Day, thanks to these wonderful friendships.
So here is a big thank you to the people I have the privilege to love, and who love me concurrently (not in return, because love needn’t be “in exchange.” Love is a continual sharing of gifts, like time and service and empathy and support. If it were simply an “exchange,” that would be conditional bartering, not Love).
- To my mother, who raised me to be independent and capable, instantly joined in my love for wordle, and never lets me leave her house without a bag of food: thank you for loving me.
- To my brothers, who paved my way into the scariest unknowns of the world first, and who never make me pay for food when we go out: thank you for loving me.
- To my best friends, who sit with me in complexity, patiently listen while I verbally process, and teach me more about the world every day: thank you for loving me. We have grown so much together, you blur the lines I used to see between “friends” and”family.”
- To my teammates, who commit to getting better alongside me every day, and who give me dap every time we pass by each other: thank you for loving me.
- To my mentors, who have adopted me as a sort of “surrogate daughter” as one recently named me: thank you for loving me.
- To my professors and coaches, who invest in me and hold me accountable to becoming my best and strongest self: thank you for loving me.
- To the kind strangers: the barista who gave me free cupcakes with my meal, the woman who paid for my groceries when I forgot my debit card at home, the people on the sidewalk cheering me on my run in a non-creepy way: thank you for loving me, even if in the slightest sense.
And thank you for giving me the privilege and honor of returning my love to you.
Of course there are those I’ve failed to mention: aunts, uncles, pets, my church, coworkers, peer editors, classmates, writers who have changed my life without even knowing my name. There is so much love in the world I couldn’t even name them all. Know that I love you too, and am so thankful for your love.
I’ve realized, finally, that love, and Valentines Day– the day we celebrate love– isn’t just about romantic partners. We have so many Significant Others who, by taking up space in our life, expand it. What a gift friendship is, and family, and companionship in every sense of the word. I will close by sharing a poem from a wonderful collection, To Bless the Space Between Us by John O’Donahue:
“May you be blessed with good friends,
And learn to be a good friend to yourself,
Journeying to that place in your soul where
There is love, warmth, and feeling.
May this change you.
–
May it transfigure what is negative, distant,
Or cold within your heart.
–
May you be brought into real passion, kindness,
And belonging.
–
May you treasure your friends.
May you be good to them, be there for them
And receive all the challenges, truth, and light you need.
–
May you never be isolated but know the embrace
Of your anam cara.”
“For Friendship,” To Bless the Space Between Us by John O’Donahue.
The More the Marianer 