There’s two things (among many others) that I need to do in this season: 1. actively practice being thankful and 2., actually put my writing somewhere public (or at least public-ish). So this week (as I am able), I’m going to create a gratefulness journal, and, unlike most of my writing from this past year, I’ll actually post it on this blog! (After all, this space does exist for a purpose, and I have to use it every so often to help it keep its purpose!). So… here goes. My gratefulness journal, Day 1:
Today I am grateful for bar shampoo.
Clean water that comes out of the taps hot, even when the air at 7 a.m. is so cold.
My car (and my wonderfully touchy pedals. Even if traffic makes me so angry, I am grateful for my brakes that saved me from 2 close calls on the freeway today).
I am grateful for the parking spot I promptly found at the doctor’s office.
I’m grateful for apple Maps.
I’m grateful for my past self that forgot to take 4 jackets out of my car because they kept me warm when I had to take a nap in my backseat after the doctor’s office.
Even though I frequently complain about how difficult Kaiser’s system sometimes is, I am grateful nonetheless for my health insurance.
I am grateful for my optometrist who was friendly, kind, upbeat, and personable. It made my experience so much more human and took away the anxiety that inevitably follows me every time I enter a medical building.
I saw a duck today that had to hop on one foot to get around because its other foot was broken. It made me cry in the line to buy my breakfast, but I am grateful that my heart still works, especially when I sometimes feel like my capacity for empathy is muted.
I am grateful for espresso for picking up my day. And blueberries. I am grateful for grocery outlet, the discounted store that allows me to afford blueberries even when they’re out of season.
I am grateful for the compliment I received on my outfit. There is something so validating about showing up someplace— especially showing up anxious— and instantly receiving appreciation and validation. “Marian, you look so cool.” Wow. Thank you.
I am grateful that the reading I crammed in before class was short.
I am grateful for my Hebrew colleagues and professor.
I am grateful to have access to a weight room. After the complete shutdown of campus, I should never forget about the privilege of having a weight room ever again.
I am grateful for Athletic Trainers. And I am grateful for teammates who shake my hand to greet me, make me laugh, and keep life interesting.
I am grateful for the hints of the sunset that shone even through the overcast clouds. (I am grateful for the goodness that exists even when my own life feels Decembery grey). I am grateful for the track bleachers that stood me high enough to appreciate this sunset.
I am grateful for my Coach, who reminded me last week how important it is to be grateful. She told me about this guy who said, You never think to thank God for your liver until you survive liver cancer. I realized that, in my floating through this semester, feeling sorry for myself and losing my sense of purpose, I’d forgotten to appreciate the fact that at least I could go to practice daily, and at least I was healthy, and at least my body works. Ironically, only a few days later, I’ve started to experience some scary pain in my hamstring. But today, even if I wasn’t allowed to max my squat, I am grateful that I could still bench press :).
Yes, I could think about how hard life is. How I forgot to wash the dishes and my hair last night and how annoying traffic is, the messiness of my car, the scariness of the doctor’s office, social anxiety, injuries and cold weather and not feeling like myself anymore. Or I can think about what a privilege it is to be alive. To wake up in the morning and have a bathroom and kitchen, healthcare, a track team, facilities, and kind adults who give me care and who truly care. And funnily enough, this practice of gratitude does bring me back to myself a little bit. The optimistic marian. The thankful marian. The marian who makes the most of her life that she remembers is so, so finite.
It is December, yes. The days are indeed getting shorter. But it is advent season, and there are little lights on houses and trees, and Christmas is around the corner. Light shines through the dark afternoons, and the cold clouds, and the early mornings, and Hope does too, and the difficult path is made a little more climbable with the realization of how many things there are to be grateful for. Each Thanks is like a stepping stone to carry me along this road. Thank you, Lord Jesus. Toda Adonai. Amen.
“Gratitude is the nourishment of the soul when there is no other food in sight.”
-Alex Sedlak on TikTok
The More the Marianer 