Dear Joanne,
I read your letter-post about your trip to Europe last week! What an amazing time; I am so happy for you that you got to go on such a cool vacation (and especially to Paris, the happy-place of any passionate painter and AP art history student like you!).
As you know, I too was on a trip this past week, though not to France or Ireland :). I spent it working as a counselor at one of my favorite places in the world, Camp Dunamis! This was my third year, and while many things were the same, I did have a very different experience from my previous times at camp.
Dunamis was weird this time. I wasn’t connecting with my kids the way I usually do, and I hit my breaking point in exhaustion a day earlier than I expected myself to— on Wednesday instead of Thursday.
That same evening, when everything was already going tough, one of my girls had a panic attack. I, completely unqualified Marian, didn’t know how to deal with the situation. Thankfully, another staff member, Kayla, who both knows the camper better and who is far more nurturing than I, got ahold of the situation and helped the camper through it. As she was doing so, I looked on with a twinge of envy in my admiration and gratefulness for her help. That envy quickly turned into frustration with myself for not being as nurturing as she is, then guilt for selfishly feeling this way when my primary concern should have been for the emotional trauma of my camper. And then I continued on in an inexplicably extreme and speedy downhill spiral of negative thoughts, until, within the span of fifteen minutes from my camper’s episode, I reached the point where my brain kind of just went like this: “I’m not good enough, I’m not cut out for this, I am so inadequate, and I cant do this anymore. Why am I here? Why am I doing this? I’m not enough, I’m not enough, I’m not enough.”
It wasn’t until later, that I realized, that maybe that was exactly the point. I am not good enough. But out of nowhere, my thoughts, guided by the Holy Spirit, came to this: “But Marian, isn’t that the point? Of course you’re not adequate. If you were good enough, you wouldn’t need God.”
I realized, over the course of that night, that this was the mistake I’d been making all week at camp. I entered camp not relying on God, but depending solely on my own efforts. I got cocky and foolishly thought, “This is my third year here. I know the drill. I can do this.” And while this confidence was good, it made it so that I forgot to rely on the One who had blessed me as a counselor in the two years beforehand. This year, though practically prepared with snacks for my cabin and much-experienced knowledge, I was not prepared spiritually. My own confidence got in the way of any perceived need to spiritually prepare.
This was a big mistake.
In the words of my mother, it is better to “Humble yourself before God humbles you.”
And she is right. Since I couldn’t humble myself enough to turn to God in preparation for camp, and since I tried so hard to do things on my own, God let me trip and fall on my face. In other words: God definitely humbled me this week. He let those circumstances on Wednesday night spiral me into a crying, quitting mess.
But thankfully he didn’t leave me there. It is true, I was completely inadequate. But only because I didn’t equip myself with trust in and the strength of the Lord.
That lesson was painful and sobering and unpleasant to learn, but I’m grateful nonetheless to have been reminded of my dependence on God. It was much needed and probably not unique; I think sometimes we as humans just need to feel the terrifying realization of our own insufficiency in order to fall back into God’s arms and let Him take hold of our lives. Or at least, I do.
My experience as a camp counselor is just one instance of how we as humans and especially as Christians are prone to be: We see our own hands doing His work and get excited about how amazing “we ourselves” are, all the while forgetting that it is God’s more experienced fingers guiding our arms around every situation. God equips us to be vessels, but we must remember that we are not independent; the biggest mistake happens when we start to think we can do anything good on our own. Again: We – are – not – good – enough; we – need – Jesus.
We must give ourselves over— our efforts, our strength, the credit we think we deserve, and our trust— to God. Not just because He’s got us covered, but because in all honesty, there really is no other way. This was true not just for me, but many others. To borrow the words of a prayer from Hannah Whithall Smith:
“Lord, I am going to trust thee to keep me. I have tried keeping myself, and have failed, and failed most grievously. I am absolutely helpless. So now I will trust thee. I give myself to thee” (emphasis mine).
God, I give away my plans, and my arrogance, and my inadequacies to you. Reshape my plans into something better; transform my arrogance into humility of self and pride in you; take my inadequacies and make me enough only in/through You. And if I am still not ready to be enough, you equip others to fill my place (Thank you, Kayla, for helping me when I didn’t know what to do).
You, God, take situations that are not ideal, and make them into learning experiences. Wednesday night was hard, and troublesome, but “Trouble, if it merely turns to God and hence renews our strength, ceases to be evil, and becomes good; it becomes the best thing that could possibly come to us, next to God himself. For our growth in power and happiness depends on the number of seconds out of each twenty four hours that we are resting in God” (Glenn Clark).
Satan tried to make trouble. He knew I’d been out of wack all week, he knew I was exhausted and frustrated and tired on Wednesday, and he used a tough situation for both me and my camper to try to push me to quit. He had me ready to stop working at my favorite camp for good. But God took this downward spiral experience that had me at my breaking point to teach me a lesson. God took this sub-par camp year of mine, an opportunity for regret and self-doubt and instead just used it to recenter my dependence and focus on Him. He picked me up, held my arms, looked me in the eye like good Fathers do and said, sternly but gently, “This is what happens when you forget to lean on me. Now come on back girl, and we’ll get this thing better again next year.”
And thankfully, he didn’t even wait until next year. Thursday, which is usually my low day, was the best one this week. Camp ended on a high note. And for that I am so grateful.
God humbled me, yes. But he also put me right back where I belong, close by my Father and holding his hand for balance. I fell over because I wanted to go on my own, and he let me fall, but only so that I’d learn now to never let go.
I will close with the words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 12:9: “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” I am not good enough, but God is. And through Him, my small human efforts are somehow made adequate for His kingdom.
Painfully humbled, but grateful nonetheless, for I am re-centered in and on Christ,
-Marian.
——
PS— My first morning home from camp, I opened the book of my devotions for the first time in months, and almost laughed when I saw the theme for last week. Its title? “Our Weakness and God’s Strength.” Good one, God. I’m back, thanks :).
(This post is part of a ten-week-long summer blogging challenge with Joanne Lee. I used my free posting pass last week as I was working at camp and didn’t have the time to write. To see Joanne’s most recent post, click here).
The More the Marianer 